when i read that

i still felt that shiver of jealousy rush through me. i still cant stand the sight of her with other people

goodbye love

"im tired of always hurting [tom] so im going to stop. im going to be such an amazing girlfriend."

"there is this one boy, and i have helped him through so much. but i cant help him anymore and im tired. im tired of blaming myself for the way things are with me and him and wanting everything to go back. because they arent going to go back. no matter how badly i want them to."

i find it so hard to write in this blog, only because i cant organize my thoughts well enough to express them out loud. john kaplan said there is medicine for that, to help express my feelings more clearly without losing my train of though so fucking easily.

on a lighter note, life has been pretty good lately. idk why, im not going to say im necessarily happy, but im not so depressed as usual. i suspect its just a phase. ill be up and down for the rest of my life. as im typing this, i am realizing how fucking fast i can actually type :)

im not going to try to make my blog all fancy like vickys cuz thats just wayyyyyy too confusing.

earlier today my sisters boyfriend was here and he was talking about how he went over chris gills house and he was playing some hockey game with chris's brother, mike. i found that quite amusing. they used to be quite good friends actually back when chris and i were best friends as well.

i talked to amy last night. i guess were back together. that makes me feel extremely fulfulled. and btw STAND BY ME IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE.

i leave you with this:
the lights of the bright ones shine tonight

i cant stand this. any of this. have no time to do anything. now i have to go do my fucking english poster so that i can stand in front of a bunch of immature kids who have no idea the importance rasputin had on the world and give a presentation on rasputins life. the only place i dont feel hagte for everyone around me is dance. i really wish amy would talk to me again. i need to see her. there are things i need to tell her. asap. i find myself in this void once again. im so confused. im not living anymore. i could be dead...maybe.

im more detached from reality than ever. i dont think about anything before i do it, and it doesnt feel like anything is going on anymore. i truly barely feel touch anymore. it doesnt even feel like anyones touch me, just a tickle. everythings softer too. i started hallucinating, i hear people calling my name all the time, and i see people that arent there. i dont want to tell john kaplan because he wont believe me. he'll just think im making it up. theres a lot of stuff i dont tell him. he'll think im lying. idk if he thinks theres anything wrong with me. i think so. ive lost all sexual drive too. ive begun to not want to love. i feel as though love will serve me no good. in the immortal words of the carrier: "no love can save me"

i jsut dont care anymore. ive lost all motivation to do anything. the only things i really care about anymore is finding about private schools, my music, sometimes my dance, and thats about it. no one wants to help me. im scared to get a girlfriend or even like anyone because im afraid she'll just leave me in the end. i dont want to make new friends or even have the ones i have. i referred to them today as "acquaintances". theyll all betray me in the end. i really dont have any friends. im kind of a loser, but ive learned to live with loneliness. i hate more and more people every day. dani hates me now too. i really dont know what im doing here.

someone stole my agenda today. it was really cool. im pretty sure it was felicia or bia. i hate them. such fucking sluts. im sick of all these black people too. i really love it when they scream across the hallway and mr hester just walks by. and when they ignore mr mark. vicky decided shes gonna be a bitch to me now i guess...

i really hate mr jenkins. he gets paid to do what? nothing.

im so disgusted with how heartless this world is around me. the ignorance of the youth is depleting me.

i have finally begun to understand,
everyone abandons you in the end
im sicker than ever.

i started art today. it made me want to run away again. mr dorion gave me a d on one of my projects because i didnt have enough people on it. i got a c on another one because i he didnt think canada day would be very interesting in the u.s.? how about in canada? as he was talking i began to lay my head on the table and realize i wasnt hearing anything he was saying, and i couldnt comprehend one bit of it. i got this eery feeling that i was in an invisible box and i wasnt really in with everybody else. ive been getting that more everyday. of course no one understands that. again.

i guess vickys mad at me. shes being kinda weird, and she doesnt believe who i write my poems about. i trust her to believe me so i dont know.

i got a lot of music today, im really excited to listen to polar bear club.

i leave you with this:
the world passes by, and i sit on the tree stump, watching.

Dani started packing. I don't know what I'm going to do when she's gone. I need her more than she knows. She was mentioned in my last two poems. When I close my eyes, her beauty still fills my mind.

I need to talk to Vicky more. I read her blog and am flushed with jealousy that she talked with Danny or Cody for five million hours. I need to fix my life. Who am i? Seriously. Face your fears Max. Face your fears.

I miss Emma. I really want to talk to her more. She just texted me. I hope we have a good conversation. She always makes me feel good. I hope she comes back to Massachusetts soon and for more than an hour. I wonder if she is excited about the Cardinals. I want them to win. I think the Cardinals deserve it so much more, plus Emma lives there, and I think that would make her happy.

Brett, Nick, Cody, and I decided to room together in D.C. I hope it works out. We have fun together.

I have decided that my favorite color is no longer yellow, but white. I based my decision on the simple fact that if I could live in an entirely white world or an entirely yellow world i would pick white. I like it. I think I'm going to buy some more white T-shirts. They are fun to wear.

These are the things I can think. You may choose to read them or not. I'd prefer not.